Bill Clinton Uses Penis As Paintbrush

            Following Bill Clinton’s presidency and scandal with the infamous Monica Lewinsky, he has now shifted his efforts to more artistic endeavors. Yes, the politician has many hobbies, and recently was quoted on saying to the press that, “You’d be surprised with the intricate brush stroke a penis can produce”.

"I did not have sexual relations with that canvas."

More than anything, at least the public can be assured that the former charismatic president still has his phallus intact after enduring a grueling 38 years of marriage to Hilary Clinton. When Hilary was asked about Bill’s new hobby, she laughed heartily and proclaimed, “Oh, Bill’s penis art? It’s a good way to avoid having sex with him these days, so, I let him do it.” She followed that up by admitting that, “his best painting yet is one of me, it’s a surrealist one, depicting me sitting in a chair with Bill’s tiny grape testicles in my hand, and I like it.”  I’m not so sure the rest of the United States might like it, possibly because that has probably happened before, and because the truth of the matter is that Hilary’s dick is definitely bigger than Bill’s. How often do you think they compare?  

            Even more interestingly, former president Clinton has said that this new hobby of his was introduced to him by George W. Bush, and Bush states that they have practiced drawing and painting differing fruits and objects such as, “melons, grapes, and bananas” as it allows them to pay attention to detail and how not to fuck up foreign policy. It’s still puzzlement that gay marriage has not been legalized. I guess it’s only alright to be homosexual if you’re a former president and paint with your penis. 

- A.S.

Intoxicated Uncle Refuses to Dance "Macarena" at Niece's Wedding, Humiliates Family

AKRON, Ohio––Approximately ninety minutes into his niece’s wedding reception, Craig “Buzzkillington” Wilson refused to dance the “Macarena” in the face of encouraging statements made by family, friends and the DJ recommended to the bride by her neighbor. Regardless of intense intoxication, Wilson was so totally not into it and being a total douche.

“I just can’t believe my uncle!” said the bride, Samantha Wilson-Brady, choking back tears. “He is so selfish! Doesn’t he understand this is my day? The whole family is humiliated.”

Wilson, right, guffaws at his family's happiness

The “Macarena” gained popularity in the mid 1990s, and has since been a white-person wedding staple, edging out the “Electric Slide” as the go-to wedding dance song. Portly white Americans often flock to the dance floor during the “Macarena” despite inebriation and wavering upright stability, as the dance moves have become engrained into the muscle memory of several generations of Americans. 

The father of the groom, George Brady said, “I was completely prepared to let Craig in as a member of my family, but now that I have seen him exhibit such humiliating behavior, I don’t think I am willing anymore.” Brady continued, “When a man acts in such a manner, and embarrasses his loved ones in such a way, I see no reason to embrace him as one of my own.”

Wilson has not yet issued a public apology. Family members have reportedly begun using several inside jokes in his company and making snide remarks in the comment section of wedding photos since the reception. -D.F.

Top 5 Islamic Veiled Looks

Now that it's summer and 130 degrees in the Middle East, covering up is the only solution. You've never really realized how hot a woman can be until you can't actually see that which you desire. On that point, women, get on your veil game. Guys love when girls cover up and only leave a ninja-like slit for their eyes. Everybody knows eye-sex is more fun than actual sex. 

1. The Go-To

2. The Yin-Yang

3. The Colors of the Wind

4. The Phantom of the Opera

5. The Ostracized Hottie


-A.S.

Mickey Mouse Beheaded Near Border of Epcot’s Mexican Pavilion

ORLANDO, Flor.––Reports of a beheading of Disney’s lead character, Mickey Mouse, near the border of Epcot’s Mexican Pavilion are being released by the Orlando Police Department. All details surrounding the murder are still unclear, however several characters from the Pirates of the Caribbean exhibit have gone missing since the event. 

Recent speculation about the legitimacy of several Pirates animatronics characters. Since the beheading, evidence of a low-rung drug cartel has been discovered inside the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Mickey Mouse is believed to have been involved in this low-rung drug cartel as a middleman, distributing liquid meth, rock cocaine and churros to Epcot visitors. 

Police reports show minimal foul play involved in the kidnapping, suggesting he knew the men who killed him. A peg leg, four churros and half a kilo of rock cocaine were found at the scene. 

Police chief of Orlando, Emilio Cortez, reports saying, “That’s a lot of churros,” Cortez continues, “We’re really not sure why Mickey Mouse was carrying around so many churros, but there have been several raids on churro hordes around the park since mid-January.”

Please report any suspicious behavior, such as animatronic pirates driving an early-90s Chevrolet Impala. The pirates are described as being awkward in stature, wearing pirate clothes and at least one missing half his leg. -D.F.

GOP Debuts Rap Single To Appeal To a New Demographic Nobody Will Reveal

Big Boehn on Meet the Press

WASHINGTON, D.C.––In a surprise move to target a new demographic, the GOP released a rap single March 18 titled, “Obama Better Have My Money.” This shocked onlookers, who expected the GOP to release an a capella single of The Black Keys’ “Tighten Up.” The a capella was initially supposed to capture the votes of 11 to 14-year-old girls and middle-aged gays, but a GOP strategist decided to appeal to rap listeners.

“Obama Better Have My Money” is the first single released from Rick “$limy” Santorum‘s new record label, Maximum Profit Records. “Yo, we really excited about this monumental step the GOP is taking to better synergizzle with ethni––a new demographic.” $limy stumbled before saying anything about which demographic they are attempting to reach. 

John “Big Boehn” Boehner is credited for writing most of the lyrics. Some are quite profane, but Big Boehn thinks they will help reach out to the new demographic. Lines such as, “I speak from the heart; the heart of 'Merica. Don’t try ta' stop me, I’ll deny healthcare from yo bottom bitch Erica.” And, “I came from the upper-middle, but my ma raised me right. Taught me about all tha goods. Taught me how to golf when I's jus’ five; Tiger Woods.”

Controversially, tax payer’s dollars have been used to fund this project. The GOP claims it is justified by how well they will balance the budget after “Obama Better Have My Money” appeals to the new demographic and gets more GOP members elected to office. Paul “P-Rex” Ryan agrees with this claim, and has reportedly factored the GOP’s single into his plan for the next Congressional budget. -D.F.