ORLANDO, Flor.––Reports of a beheading of Disney’s lead character, Mickey Mouse, near the border of Epcot’s Mexican Pavilion are being released by the Orlando Police Department. All details surrounding the murder are still unclear, however several characters from the Pirates of the Caribbean exhibit have gone missing since the event.
Recent speculation about the legitimacy of several Pirates animatronics characters. Since the beheading, evidence of a low-rung drug cartel has been discovered inside the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Mickey Mouse is believed to have been involved in this low-rung drug cartel as a middleman, distributing liquid meth, rock cocaine and churros to Epcot visitors.
Police reports show minimal foul play involved in the kidnapping, suggesting he knew the men who killed him. A peg leg, four churros and half a kilo of rock cocaine were found at the scene.
Police chief of Orlando, Emilio Cortez, reports saying, “That’s a lot of churros,” Cortez continues, “We’re really not sure why Mickey Mouse was carrying around so many churros, but there have been several raids on churro hordes around the park since mid-January.”
Please report any suspicious behavior, such as animatronic pirates driving an early-90s Chevrolet Impala. The pirates are described as being awkward in stature, wearing pirate clothes and at least one missing half his leg. -D.F.
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