Kobe Bryant Comes Out in Support of Jason Collins Being a Fucking Faggot

Kobe Bryant telling someone they have a knack for interior design

Following Jason Collins coming out as gay in a Sports Illustrated’s story from April 29, Los Angeles Lakers’ all-star shooting guard Kobe Bryant came out in support of Collins’ coming out. 

“I’m just so happy for Jason. He’s such a great gay–I mean guy. It really takes a lot inside you to come out like that,” said Bryant, who was infamously fined in 2011 for using a homophobic slur during an NBA game. “Honestly, I’m just so proud of Jason for finally doing it. I mean, we all knew he was a damn queer, anyway.”

Positive statements in support of Collins have overwhelmed any negative responses, and Bryant, who was definitely in no way forced to apologize publicly for his homophobic slur in 2011, is happy to support his friend regardless of what decisions he makes. 

“Jason coming out as gay changes nothing for me,” said Bryant between sessions of oral sex with a young woman whom he assured us was at least 18 years old. “[Collins] is like family, he’s a great basketball player, he’s a great man and he makes the best little tea sandwiches for his Sunday brunches. I don’t even care if he’s a fucking faggot,” continued Bryant. “He’s my friend.”

Kid With 0.8 GPA Applies to Harvard And Gets Accepted; Rejects Acceptance.

A 37-year-old named Thomas Kerfoot with dreams of getting into Harvard Law wrote an angry letter to the Harvard administration explaining to them in a 25 page dissertation, why they should accept him and overlook his 0.8 GPA.

            Kerfoot said that he was sick of being rejected because he believed his GPA did not measure his intelligence and all he ever wanted was to go to Harvard. The letter read, “Harvard, plz accept me, I wll b the bst lawyer ever, u dn’t understand”. Harvard initially rejected Kerfoot multiple times as he applied five times over the last six years, and was rejected every single time. However, on his sixth application, the one with the 25 page dissertation, Kerfoot would finally be accepted.

            Harvard stated that, “Kerfoot’s perseverance is unparalleled in any application they have ever seen”, and stated that the one line in his letter of intent that really assured his acceptance was one that read, “If u dnt accept me, I dnt care, u are al pompous whit wll stret jornul reding ashols”.

            However, although Kerfoot has been accepted and is scheduled to attend next fall, he shockingly declined his acceptance and said, “I jst wnted to c if I cud get in, nd thn say fuk u”.

            He now works at Walmart. 

Thomas Kerfoot, 37, exclaiming, "Fuk Harvard, Luv Ovrals"

Gary Busey to star in Camel Porno in Saudi Arabia

Following the recent deportation of a Saudi Arabian resident, Omar, Borkan Al Gala, from Saudi Arabia (because the man was, “too sexy”), it has been reported that actor Gary Busey will be playing the role of the real life man who was deported in a new biopic movie coming out in the summer, titled, “جنس الإبل”, or better known as “Sex of the Camels”.

            Busey who has had to learn to speak Arabic for the role spoke to the media and said, “Sex of the Camels is going to be a riveting film, and will really depict the character of Omar and his life-long friend, his camel, Jebadidah”. As of now, there are currently 16 reported sex scenes in the film, five scenes where camel balls can be seen, 9 scenes where Busey’s penis can be seen, and no scenes that anybody really gives a fuck about. HBO announced earlier that the rating of the film would be T, for terrible.

            The director of the film, well known Arab actor, Omar Sharif was asked if he thought the film was controversial and replied by saying, “Would you rather us make movies or make bombs, what is controversy?” Nobody took lightly to his comments, but the American ambassador of Saudi Arabia has been reported to also make a guest appearance in the film. Stay tuned for more news on the movies and the upcoming trailer if you’re interested in Gay Busey, camels, beautiful Saudi Arabian men, and bestiality. Just some of everyone’s favorite things.

Just when you thought there was nothing worse than

 Gary Busey in a camel porno.

Bing.com User Lost Somewhere in the Internet

DiCaprio yelling, "I'm king of the world!" on a big boat

LOS ANGELES –– Avid Bing.com user, Joel Scott of Westwood, Calif. has been missing since Wednesday night. Last seen searching Bing.com with the keywords, “that one movie with the big boat and Leo,” Scott is believed to be lost somewhere deep in the bowels of the internet. 

“I don’t know what happened,” said Scott’s wife, Mary Stein-Scott. “We were talking about the movies Leonardo DiCaprio has been in, and we couldn’t remember what that one he was in with the boat and the girl. You know, the one where he says, ‘I’m king of the world!’ and draws the girl’s boobs.”

Bing.com has been blamed for three deaths over the past year after Internet users opted for its services over the perfectly competent and well made Google search engine. All deaths were allegedly caused by Bing.com users becoming lost somewhere deep in the Google-esque but not quite Google layout of Bing.com. 

Rescuers report that Scott is probably somewhere past all the “I’m on a Boat” pages and is stranded looking through the cast of “Poseidon” on imdb thinking to himself, “Where is Leo? I figured he would be a hire billing than all these extras I’m looking through right now.”