Kobe Bryant Comes Out in Support of Jason Collins Being a Fucking Faggot

Kobe Bryant telling someone they have a knack for interior design

Following Jason Collins coming out as gay in a Sports Illustrated’s story from April 29, Los Angeles Lakers’ all-star shooting guard Kobe Bryant came out in support of Collins’ coming out. 

“I’m just so happy for Jason. He’s such a great gay–I mean guy. It really takes a lot inside you to come out like that,” said Bryant, who was infamously fined in 2011 for using a homophobic slur during an NBA game. “Honestly, I’m just so proud of Jason for finally doing it. I mean, we all knew he was a damn queer, anyway.”

Positive statements in support of Collins have overwhelmed any negative responses, and Bryant, who was definitely in no way forced to apologize publicly for his homophobic slur in 2011, is happy to support his friend regardless of what decisions he makes. 

“Jason coming out as gay changes nothing for me,” said Bryant between sessions of oral sex with a young woman whom he assured us was at least 18 years old. “[Collins] is like family, he’s a great basketball player, he’s a great man and he makes the best little tea sandwiches for his Sunday brunches. I don’t even care if he’s a fucking faggot,” continued Bryant. “He’s my friend.”

Kid With 0.8 GPA Applies to Harvard And Gets Accepted; Rejects Acceptance.

A 37-year-old named Thomas Kerfoot with dreams of getting into Harvard Law wrote an angry letter to the Harvard administration explaining to them in a 25 page dissertation, why they should accept him and overlook his 0.8 GPA.

            Kerfoot said that he was sick of being rejected because he believed his GPA did not measure his intelligence and all he ever wanted was to go to Harvard. The letter read, “Harvard, plz accept me, I wll b the bst lawyer ever, u dn’t understand”. Harvard initially rejected Kerfoot multiple times as he applied five times over the last six years, and was rejected every single time. However, on his sixth application, the one with the 25 page dissertation, Kerfoot would finally be accepted.

            Harvard stated that, “Kerfoot’s perseverance is unparalleled in any application they have ever seen”, and stated that the one line in his letter of intent that really assured his acceptance was one that read, “If u dnt accept me, I dnt care, u are al pompous whit wll stret jornul reding ashols”.

            However, although Kerfoot has been accepted and is scheduled to attend next fall, he shockingly declined his acceptance and said, “I jst wnted to c if I cud get in, nd thn say fuk u”.

            He now works at Walmart. 

Thomas Kerfoot, 37, exclaiming, "Fuk Harvard, Luv Ovrals"

Gary Busey to star in Camel Porno in Saudi Arabia

Following the recent deportation of a Saudi Arabian resident, Omar, Borkan Al Gala, from Saudi Arabia (because the man was, “too sexy”), it has been reported that actor Gary Busey will be playing the role of the real life man who was deported in a new biopic movie coming out in the summer, titled, “جنس الإبل”, or better known as “Sex of the Camels”.

            Busey who has had to learn to speak Arabic for the role spoke to the media and said, “Sex of the Camels is going to be a riveting film, and will really depict the character of Omar and his life-long friend, his camel, Jebadidah”. As of now, there are currently 16 reported sex scenes in the film, five scenes where camel balls can be seen, 9 scenes where Busey’s penis can be seen, and no scenes that anybody really gives a fuck about. HBO announced earlier that the rating of the film would be T, for terrible.

            The director of the film, well known Arab actor, Omar Sharif was asked if he thought the film was controversial and replied by saying, “Would you rather us make movies or make bombs, what is controversy?” Nobody took lightly to his comments, but the American ambassador of Saudi Arabia has been reported to also make a guest appearance in the film. Stay tuned for more news on the movies and the upcoming trailer if you’re interested in Gay Busey, camels, beautiful Saudi Arabian men, and bestiality. Just some of everyone’s favorite things.

Just when you thought there was nothing worse than

 Gary Busey in a camel porno.

Bing.com User Lost Somewhere in the Internet

DiCaprio yelling, "I'm king of the world!" on a big boat

LOS ANGELES –– Avid Bing.com user, Joel Scott of Westwood, Calif. has been missing since Wednesday night. Last seen searching Bing.com with the keywords, “that one movie with the big boat and Leo,” Scott is believed to be lost somewhere deep in the bowels of the internet. 

“I don’t know what happened,” said Scott’s wife, Mary Stein-Scott. “We were talking about the movies Leonardo DiCaprio has been in, and we couldn’t remember what that one he was in with the boat and the girl. You know, the one where he says, ‘I’m king of the world!’ and draws the girl’s boobs.”

Bing.com has been blamed for three deaths over the past year after Internet users opted for its services over the perfectly competent and well made Google search engine. All deaths were allegedly caused by Bing.com users becoming lost somewhere deep in the Google-esque but not quite Google layout of Bing.com. 

Rescuers report that Scott is probably somewhere past all the “I’m on a Boat” pages and is stranded looking through the cast of “Poseidon” on imdb thinking to himself, “Where is Leo? I figured he would be a hire billing than all these extras I’m looking through right now.”

TSA Promotes Deaths on Planes.

In recent interesting news, it has been announced that TSA and general airports and their security will allow knives of certain lengths on planes now. Following numerous terrorist attacks, the rationale behind allowing the small knives is that, “Now, people will be able to protect themselves from the terrorists with guns, when they are on the planes”, said TSA, Jason Traxton.

            This news could not come at a better time following the failure to pass the gun control bill. It’s rumored that knives are making a huge comeback. Following up with this, with the addition of the small knives being allowed on the plane, TSA has announced that sporks are no longer allowed anywhere in airports or on planes. Why? They state that it’s “just a bad version of a knife”, but it’s a spoon and fork, isn’t it? Gotta love the U.S.A

            Terrorists everywhere have heard about the recent news and are constructing incredibly lethal pocketknives which they don’t even have to hide in their turbans anymore. It’s so lovely that everyone can just be openly violent now. Let’s hope there will be security on the planes, it’s not like anyone wants air travel to be anymore dangerous than it is.

            In addition, TSA has also added one liquid to the list of things you can now bring on the plane, Kool-Aid. Any amount or size, and only if you are willing to share with everyone else, but only cherry flavored. Flying is so much fun. 

Yippeeekayay, motherfuckers.

Apple Changes Name of Black Colored Products to ‘African-American’ Following Lawsuit

Apple spokesman, Samuel L. Jackson, praising new
'African-American' iPhone

Following several high profile lawsuits against Apple, the electronics company is changing the official name of its black-colored products to ‘African-American.’ This applies to all Apple products being sold in-store and online.

“There’s nothing we here at Apple hate more than unnecessary lawsuits,” said Apple’s new spokesman, Samuel L. Jackson. “So we collectively decided to change the name of our products of the shade created by combining all pigments to ‘African-American.’”

The changes to the online store will take place immediately, and new packaging and ads for ‘African-American’ iPods, MacBooks and iPhones are being swapped out during a company wide ‘Native-American Alert’ issued this Saturday, April 28, 2013. 

“Following the threatening lawsuits of the past month, we’re considering changing all possibly offensive color-ways of our products,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook. “In the near future, look for new ‘Asian,’ ‘Native-American,’ ‘European-American’ and ‘Jewish’ products.” -D.F.

Bush Art Museum Opens in Buttfucknowhere, Texas.

Following up on an earlier post that was featured on Almost Real News, Bill Clinton is not the only president that has now been caught painting with strange parts of his body; his penis, but earlier this week, George W. Bush’s art museum opened to the public in Buttfucknowhere, Texas. The main exhibit is one where Bush tried to, “show what he thought of his term as the President of the U.S.”, reported by his advisor, Jeff Collins. The painting is merely a piece of shit on a canvas, literally. It’s brown with some beautiful shades of black.

            There are seven paintings on display, consistently featuring animals, cattle, and vegetables among many other ordinary things. Very absurdist. When a local passer byer was asked what they thought of the exhibit, they said, “Better than his public speaking, that’s for sure”. One of the most expensive paintings which was being auctioned off, was one of the shoe that Bush remembers being thrown at him in 2008; the bidding starts at $10,000. All the proceeds from any of the auctioning will go to fucking up Iraq even more. Bush himself informed our reporters that, “I used three different soft and hard paintbrushes and painted while clenching my ass and scrotum to grasp the brushes; it took me days to complete it, and now I’ve got that Brazilian booty!”

            If you ever have time to go to the South and check out the museum, don’t think about it, just drive by. 

"Fuck the police, I'll paint with my ass if I want to"