Study Finds 87 Percent of XBox Live Users Have Totally Fucked Your Mom

Acaris excited for his blow job from your mom.

A study released by the University of Miami (UM) on Friday reports an overwhelming majority of XBox Live users have had sexual relations with your mother. The reported sexual acts range anywhere from forced anal intercourse to oral stimuli such as sucking balls and deep throating. 

Study participant Jared Acaris, 11, of Oakland, Calif. said to UM researchers, “I totally piped your fucking mom, faggot! I, like, took her out to a movie, got her drunk, then me and my friend Jasper went to town on some double penetration while watching Adventure Time and pwning noobs in team deathmatch.” When asked if he knew what double penetration meant, Acaris, a member of the infamous ‘N00b R4P3R’ Call of Duty team said, “Whatever, faggot.”

The reported 87 percent of study participants answered with “Complete Confidence” in their claims of having sexual intercourse with your mother, and gave your mom a mean sexual performance rating of “8.4/10.”

The oldest participant in the study, Wilmer Bolsdrop, 15, of Roanoke, Virg. when asked to share his thoughts on the study said, “The study went great. Almost as great as when I butt fucked your mom.” Bolsdrop continued, “I don’t see how this would be hard. Like, my 10 inch dick is so hard right now just thinking about your mom and how she so wants me to jam it down her throat; fucking noob. I will fuck your shit up.” -D.F.

For People Who Struggle to Succeed WIth Finals; Everyone.

With finals approaching for students across the country, it has been reported that alcohol sales have declined drastically, and the sale of Hot Pockets, cereal, chocolate, and any type of microwavable good have been in high demand. Also, Hostess has announced that they have returned to producing Twinkies, and that they had only stopped to create an increase in sales. No surprise. With all that being said, here is a list of surprising things that students should have, or purchase to be prepared for finals.

Every college student's best friend.

1. Instant Noodles.

2. Snuggie/Onesie.

3. Daily Chuck Norris Quotes. 

4. Head Massager.

5. No/Low Expectations.

A Chuck Norris quote to start the day, and you are destined to succeed.
For example, "Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter."
 Circuits and electromechanical engineering just became cake.

Just try your best, some people 'aren't good test takers'.
The best excuse for people who don't want to study.

Fancy an orgasm? Yes, a head orgasm.
Don't ask questions, just buy it and try it. Satisfaction guaranteed.

When stressed, just drink. Caffeine or alcohol are interchangeable essentials. 

Bieber Learns About Anne Frank, Helen Keller Listed in Next Week's Syllabus.

Nothing generally generates as much reaction in the news like celebrity sightings, stupid celebrity quotes, and Janet Jackson’s nipple slip during the Super Bowl halftime show in 2004, because as plebeians and peasants, we normal people want to read about spending sprees, unreal lifestyles, and things we only wish we could have. On that note, as a completely neutral observer of Justin and his life, and specifically his music career, recent comments regarding Anne Frank could not be anymore overlooked.

Bieber attempting to be philanthropic
 and creating a fan page for Helen Keller.

            Bieber visited the Anne Frank house and was reported to be extremely ‘sympathetic, emotional, and distraught’, having only found out about Frank’s true-life story, since he was not educated in school in Canada, (they ain’t got time for that shit). Jack LaMure, Bieber’s manager released a statement that said that, ‘We all know Justin is homosexual, but he does not want his fans, all the Beliebers, and the general public to think that his breakdown at the house was due to his sexual orientation; he was actually just very sad’.  

            Bieber was also quoted on saying that, he thought Anne Frank would have ‘loved his music, and definitely been a Belieber’. As a manager of a world-renowned artist, what you should advise your pop star to do, is not breakdown at a Jewish girl’s house, act extremely sad, and then affirm your false, egocentric belief that this poor Jewish girl who died during the Holocaust would have been a fan of your music. What is wrong with the world?

            In other news, Bieber also said that he would be starting a foundation for, ‘all the people in the past died heroically’. He is intent on calling it, The Foundation for People I Should Have Really Known About, or TFPSHKA. He reportedly tried starting a page for Helen Keller himself, and said ‘he tried to simulate her life and how she must have felt, and tried to convey it through her Facebook’. In conclusion, if you were ever neutral about Bieber, or love him, re-evaluate your life and realize that he is the bane of the human race.

Yale Study Finds Religious Extremists Still Believe It's Butter

According to a Yale study released yesterday, April 11, 2013, religious extremists are more likely to believe the famous butter substitute, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, is real butter. 

Reverend Clark showing the obvious sameness
between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter 

“There’s just no real proof,” said Reverend Gerald E. Clark of the Baptist Church of Jesus Christ Himself. “Sure, your fancy science nonsense says it isn’t butter, but I still believe deep down in my heart that, as one of God’s creations, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is truly butter.” Clark then explained how any science used in the creation of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is a fabricated lie by Satan himself. 

Few religious extremists were found to disagree with Clark. Yale’s study states a staggering 87 percent of religious extremists are “pro-butter,” leaving 10 percent “pro-margarin” and the remaining three percent as undecided or unsure. 

“No way am I feeding my kids anything of the Devil,” said Cindy Johnson, mother of six. “Everyone knows science is the work of Satan, and there ain’t no way I’m feeding my kids that. That’s all the proof I need that I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is real butter. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be feeding it to my kids like ice cream, the way I do.” Johnson is heavily favored over her opposition for US Senate, and said she will make sure the network of lies fabricated and taught in schools will be no more if she is elected. “Butter is God’s gift to us,” she continued. “And I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is my favorite brand of butter. I’m not sure what else you want me to say.” -D.F.

New Law Encourages Drunk Driving.

A local resident, clearly enjoying his beer
and excited for the arrival of Lindsay Lohan.

In a land far away, beyond the closet doors that lead to Narnia, and somewhere along the travels of Monty Python and his holy grail, there is another world; a world unknown to the arrogance of the Americans and their beloved Twinkies. One where the legal drinking age is 16, and (yes, it must be a shocker there are other countries in the world besides the United States). This place is one where drinking and driving is being made legal to satisfy the party and rave needs of the elderly, seriously.

In Kilgarvan, Ireland, a bill was passed to legalize drinking and driving and one of the particular reasons was because, ‘driving sober is for wankers’, as quoted in the daily newspaper, ‘The Potato Goat.’ The goal was to create an environment for the people of the town to be more integrated and be able to drink and drive as well as combat isolation and simultaneously lower the suicide rate. However, it seems that a large population of sheep have begun to run rampage on local supermarkets as the new law has lead to less suicides, but increasingly more accidents involving the killing of deer and reportedly, three ostriches. The animal kingdom always strikes back, ask Steve Irwin.

Judge Patrick O’Conor had no comment when asked about these events but was excited to announce that, ‘Lindsey Lohan will be flying in to represent the campaign’, after the local council convinced her that the snow in Ireland was actually cocaine.  This place breeds perfection, and when a local resident whom was at least 90 and bragged wrinkly, flappy, bull-dog like cheek creases on her face was asked what she thought about the new law, Ms. Mary O’Neill simply offered the wise words, ‘Guinness or death, peasants’.

BYU Student Caught Privately Masturbating, Executed.

In shocking breaking news, a Brigham Young University student has reportedly been executed for private masturbation. The news was released earlier today and university officials and authorities have identified the student that is now deceased as 17-year-old senior, Richard Dick. Richard, or as his friends liked to call him, ‘Biggie’ (not sure if a penis reference or an allusion to the famous rapper), was a young senior who was incredibly smart and was a pre-med major with a minor in botany.

These shirts were made in memory of Richard and the incident,
and as a future reminder and warning to the student body.
Required dress code on the Sabbath.

The university president released a statement about the tragic event and later required execution that had to take place, saying that, “We all understand, when you’ve got to rub one out, you’ve got to rub one out, but not in your own room, that is unacceptable and frankly terrifying and will not be tolerated”. The report indicated and cited that Richard Dick/Dick Dick/’Biggie’ was reported by four moderately attractive women who were selling Girl Scout cookies and trying to advertise Mormonism when they were suddenly hit by what they called ‘projectile hair gel’ which seemed to cum out of the fourth story window of the corner room of the dormitory where Dick lived.  The girls claimed to have photographic proof, but refused to show officials. The officials believed them anyways.

Many remember the infamous scandal involving a BYU basketball player getting kicked off the team for having pre-marital sex last year, however it seems that the policies have changed and it is still forbidden to touch girls, and now, even yourself. Chief Officer Hansen of Campus Security, offered his opinion and presented some extremely helpful insight by stating that ‘the execution took place in the dorm room bathroom where Dick was known for being the number one offender of the ‘silent masturbator’ game that he and all the other male students at BYU typically engage in.’ Hansen also reported that the execution entailed ‘Dick reading the Qur’an while simultaneously watching two girls one cup, at which point Richard proceeded to subtly vomit, pass out, and then cease to exist.’ In other news, BYU has announced it will vasectomize and neuter all incoming freshman from this day forward to avoid awkward, unwarranted, unfortunate, and unbecumming situations such as this.