BYU Student Caught Privately Masturbating, Executed.

In shocking breaking news, a Brigham Young University student has reportedly been executed for private masturbation. The news was released earlier today and university officials and authorities have identified the student that is now deceased as 17-year-old senior, Richard Dick. Richard, or as his friends liked to call him, ‘Biggie’ (not sure if a penis reference or an allusion to the famous rapper), was a young senior who was incredibly smart and was a pre-med major with a minor in botany.

These shirts were made in memory of Richard and the incident,
and as a future reminder and warning to the student body.
Required dress code on the Sabbath.

The university president released a statement about the tragic event and later required execution that had to take place, saying that, “We all understand, when you’ve got to rub one out, you’ve got to rub one out, but not in your own room, that is unacceptable and frankly terrifying and will not be tolerated”. The report indicated and cited that Richard Dick/Dick Dick/’Biggie’ was reported by four moderately attractive women who were selling Girl Scout cookies and trying to advertise Mormonism when they were suddenly hit by what they called ‘projectile hair gel’ which seemed to cum out of the fourth story window of the corner room of the dormitory where Dick lived.  The girls claimed to have photographic proof, but refused to show officials. The officials believed them anyways.

Many remember the infamous scandal involving a BYU basketball player getting kicked off the team for having pre-marital sex last year, however it seems that the policies have changed and it is still forbidden to touch girls, and now, even yourself. Chief Officer Hansen of Campus Security, offered his opinion and presented some extremely helpful insight by stating that ‘the execution took place in the dorm room bathroom where Dick was known for being the number one offender of the ‘silent masturbator’ game that he and all the other male students at BYU typically engage in.’ Hansen also reported that the execution entailed ‘Dick reading the Qur’an while simultaneously watching two girls one cup, at which point Richard proceeded to subtly vomit, pass out, and then cease to exist.’ In other news, BYU has announced it will vasectomize and neuter all incoming freshman from this day forward to avoid awkward, unwarranted, unfortunate, and unbecumming situations such as this.