Yale Study Finds Religious Extremists Still Believe It's Butter

According to a Yale study released yesterday, April 11, 2013, religious extremists are more likely to believe the famous butter substitute, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, is real butter. 

Reverend Clark showing the obvious sameness
between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter 

“There’s just no real proof,” said Reverend Gerald E. Clark of the Baptist Church of Jesus Christ Himself. “Sure, your fancy science nonsense says it isn’t butter, but I still believe deep down in my heart that, as one of God’s creations, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is truly butter.” Clark then explained how any science used in the creation of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is a fabricated lie by Satan himself. 

Few religious extremists were found to disagree with Clark. Yale’s study states a staggering 87 percent of religious extremists are “pro-butter,” leaving 10 percent “pro-margarin” and the remaining three percent as undecided or unsure. 

“No way am I feeding my kids anything of the Devil,” said Cindy Johnson, mother of six. “Everyone knows science is the work of Satan, and there ain’t no way I’m feeding my kids that. That’s all the proof I need that I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is real butter. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be feeding it to my kids like ice cream, the way I do.” Johnson is heavily favored over her opposition for US Senate, and said she will make sure the network of lies fabricated and taught in schools will be no more if she is elected. “Butter is God’s gift to us,” she continued. “And I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is my favorite brand of butter. I’m not sure what else you want me to say.” -D.F.