TSA Promotes Deaths on Planes.

In recent interesting news, it has been announced that TSA and general airports and their security will allow knives of certain lengths on planes now. Following numerous terrorist attacks, the rationale behind allowing the small knives is that, “Now, people will be able to protect themselves from the terrorists with guns, when they are on the planes”, said TSA, Jason Traxton.

            This news could not come at a better time following the failure to pass the gun control bill. It’s rumored that knives are making a huge comeback. Following up with this, with the addition of the small knives being allowed on the plane, TSA has announced that sporks are no longer allowed anywhere in airports or on planes. Why? They state that it’s “just a bad version of a knife”, but it’s a spoon and fork, isn’t it? Gotta love the U.S.A

            Terrorists everywhere have heard about the recent news and are constructing incredibly lethal pocketknives which they don’t even have to hide in their turbans anymore. It’s so lovely that everyone can just be openly violent now. Let’s hope there will be security on the planes, it’s not like anyone wants air travel to be anymore dangerous than it is.

            In addition, TSA has also added one liquid to the list of things you can now bring on the plane, Kool-Aid. Any amount or size, and only if you are willing to share with everyone else, but only cherry flavored. Flying is so much fun. 

Yippeeekayay, motherfuckers.

Apple Changes Name of Black Colored Products to ‘African-American’ Following Lawsuit

Apple spokesman, Samuel L. Jackson, praising new
'African-American' iPhone

Following several high profile lawsuits against Apple, the electronics company is changing the official name of its black-colored products to ‘African-American.’ This applies to all Apple products being sold in-store and online.

“There’s nothing we here at Apple hate more than unnecessary lawsuits,” said Apple’s new spokesman, Samuel L. Jackson. “So we collectively decided to change the name of our products of the shade created by combining all pigments to ‘African-American.’”

The changes to the online store will take place immediately, and new packaging and ads for ‘African-American’ iPods, MacBooks and iPhones are being swapped out during a company wide ‘Native-American Alert’ issued this Saturday, April 28, 2013. 

“Following the threatening lawsuits of the past month, we’re considering changing all possibly offensive color-ways of our products,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook. “In the near future, look for new ‘Asian,’ ‘Native-American,’ ‘European-American’ and ‘Jewish’ products.” -D.F.

Bush Art Museum Opens in Buttfucknowhere, Texas.

Following up on an earlier post that was featured on Almost Real News, Bill Clinton is not the only president that has now been caught painting with strange parts of his body; his penis, but earlier this week, George W. Bush’s art museum opened to the public in Buttfucknowhere, Texas. The main exhibit is one where Bush tried to, “show what he thought of his term as the President of the U.S.”, reported by his advisor, Jeff Collins. The painting is merely a piece of shit on a canvas, literally. It’s brown with some beautiful shades of black.

            There are seven paintings on display, consistently featuring animals, cattle, and vegetables among many other ordinary things. Very absurdist. When a local passer byer was asked what they thought of the exhibit, they said, “Better than his public speaking, that’s for sure”. One of the most expensive paintings which was being auctioned off, was one of the shoe that Bush remembers being thrown at him in 2008; the bidding starts at $10,000. All the proceeds from any of the auctioning will go to fucking up Iraq even more. Bush himself informed our reporters that, “I used three different soft and hard paintbrushes and painted while clenching my ass and scrotum to grasp the brushes; it took me days to complete it, and now I’ve got that Brazilian booty!”

            If you ever have time to go to the South and check out the museum, don’t think about it, just drive by. 

"Fuck the police, I'll paint with my ass if I want to"

Congress Approval Rating Spikes After American Public Realizes All They Need is Moral Support

After realizing it was being totally uncool and too demanding, the American public has increased its approval of Congress in an attempt to boost morale and get them to fix the cluster fuck they’ve created. Following a dismal 15 percent approval rating this January, the number of Americans in favor of what Congress is doing shot up 73 points to an unprecedented 88 percent. 

Congress deciding between TGI Friday's or Outback Steakhouse for lunch.

“I was really disappoint in the American public for being so antagonistic. After we help ourselves, the rest of America is our first priority.” said Congressman, Jeff Miller (R-FL). “We just need some support that’s all, and now that we have that support, I’m super motivated to get something useful accomplished.”

Up until the shift in approval, Congress had done essentially nothing right according to 85 percent of Americans. After shooting down mild gun control acts and allowing CISPA to make it through to be killed by the Senate, Congress has really seemed to not be giving a flying fuck about what everyone thought. 

“The way this country works is so bipartisan it makes me sick. It’s us against them out there: Congress against the American public,” said Congresswoman, Carolyn Maloney (D-NY). “I’m happy the American people stopped being such a nuisance. They’re making it really difficult for us.” -D.F.

Scientists in Russia Find Direct Correlation Between Vodka Consumption And Communism.

Russian scientists have taken a break from creating nuclear weapons and have conducted a much more trivial study examining the effects of vodka and how it correlates to communism or ‘patriotism’ as they like to refer to it. Scientist Hugo Doglopolovovov said, “It is actually very interesting, we found that an increased intake of Russian vodkas yielded a result in people being more patriotic.” (He means communistic).

When asked how this was determined and if they had any presentable evidence to corroborate the results, Yuri Zhirkov, head scientist on the study, simply said, “In mother Russia, you do not do study, study does you”. Whatever that may mean, it is still very intriguing to think that there may actually be a correlation between how alcoholic the entire nation is, and communism. On the Brightside maybe this could be used as an excuse for the Cold War and everything else that Russia has been involved in. Yes, vodka may be the only answer. AA groups if you are reading this, you can rejoice.  

Prime Minister, Dmitry Medvedev was asked about this study and how it was relevant to anything that they were doing in terms of developing the country and he said, “Vladimir and Putin would be proud, the key to enforcing communism has been found. Also, my personal favorite is Popov”(Popov, only Russian sounding but actually brewed in India, can be bought at Ralph’s for $8.99).

In the wake of all this, the U.S.A has announced that it will be releasing a new beer on the fourth of July, containing new ingredients believed to cure the hicks of the South from their arrogance and enhance Boston accents, since everybody loves them. The beer, “Merica” is brewed by a private brewery in Milwaukee, owned by Hulk Hogan.