Russian scientists have taken a break from creating
nuclear weapons and have conducted a much more trivial study examining the
effects of vodka and how it correlates to communism or ‘patriotism’ as they
like to refer to it. Scientist Hugo Doglopolovovov said, “It is actually very
interesting, we found that an increased intake of Russian vodkas yielded a
result in people being more patriotic.” (He means communistic).
When asked how this was determined and if they had
any presentable evidence to corroborate the results, Yuri Zhirkov, head
scientist on the study, simply said, “In mother Russia, you do not do study,
study does you”. Whatever that may mean, it is still very intriguing to think
that there may actually be a correlation between how alcoholic the entire
nation is, and communism. On the Brightside maybe this could be used as an
excuse for the Cold War and everything else that Russia has been involved in.
Yes, vodka may be the only answer. AA groups if you are reading this, you can
rejoice.
Prime Minister, Dmitry Medvedev was asked about this
study and how it was relevant to anything that they were doing in terms of
developing the country and he said, “Vladimir and Putin would be proud, the key
to enforcing communism has been found. Also, my personal favorite is Popov”(Popov,
only Russian sounding but actually brewed in India, can be bought at Ralph’s
for $8.99).
In the wake of all this, the U.S.A has announced that
it will be releasing a new beer on the fourth of July, containing new
ingredients believed to cure the hicks of the South from their arrogance and
enhance Boston accents, since everybody loves them. The beer, “Merica” is
brewed by a private brewery in Milwaukee, owned by Hulk Hogan.
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