Vatican Bans Alcoholic Sacramental Wine Following Increase In Date Rape

Following increased reports of date rape in Vatican City, the Catholic Church has banned the use of alcoholic sacramental wine in mass. According to sources, a growing number of priests in the Vatican are being taken advantage of by altar boys after the Eucharist. 

"[The altar boy] seduced me," says Cardinal Bertolucci, "I was inebriated from the sacramental wine, and completely defenceless." 

After dozens of such reports, the Vatican has taken drastic steps to safeguard their clergymen, declaring that sacramental wine must now be non-alcoholic. They have recommended Alcoholics Anonymous' top choice of non-alcoholic wine as a replacement to the current offerings.

Church officials believe that this will reduce the rate of post-Eucharist date rape. 

"This systematic terrorisation of priests has gone on too long," reports Vatican spokesman, Federico Lombardi. "Rest assured, the appropriate actions have been taken against the offenders." -C.O'.